He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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