Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
