Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
