if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
