my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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