these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
