I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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