Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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