the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
