to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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