I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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