i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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