So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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