He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
