just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
