Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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