I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
