I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
