I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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