just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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