I'm going to jail i love you
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
