nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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