if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
