last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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