is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My penis needs a shock collar
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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