Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
