Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
