I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize