I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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