i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
