Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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