Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
