my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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