Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
