I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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