Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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