I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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