If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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