My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
