In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
