JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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