i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
