I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
