im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
