I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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