Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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