I got chris browned last night
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
