you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
