Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
