Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
