i would punch a child for taco bell
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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