So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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