woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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