I just pynch a tree in the face
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
