I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
