Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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