I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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